Idea Machine

Client: Avocados from Mexico

"The Avocado Lottery"

The Scene:

Your alarm doesn’t go off, your hot water heater isn’t working, and your blow dryer just busted a fuse. It’s 7 am and already shaping up to be a bad day.

You zombie-walk downstairs to find that your programmed coffee machine didn’t start.Your eggs are runny.
Your toast is burnt.
You’re late to work; the boss yells at you; nothing gets better from there.
 

End of Day: you make it home, tuck the kiddo into bed after a trial, decide to make a quick

dinner for yourself: avocado toast.
You slice the avocado lengthwise, a frown on your face, unhappy with all of the day.
DING DING: your avocado has a tiny seed and is the perfect ripeness!

A small almost-smile when you see it. A larger smile, in acknowledgement.
A real smile, the day’s trials wiped clean.

“Improve your avocado lottery chances with us. Avocados from Mexico.”

WHY YOU SHOULD USE THIS:
Listen, “avocado lottery” is a term that’s getting thrown around on the internet more and more, but has yet to be utilized in an advertisement. Jump on the bandwagon before everyone else! Make sure consumers know that you’re the winning ticket.

 A Winning Avocado

A Winning Avocado

 

 

 

Pitch for Food Delivery Company

“Calories only count if someone’s counting.”

 

Picture this: you’re over the age of 30, which means your metabolism has gone down the shitter. You’re at home with your husband, end of the day, yoga pants on. You excuse yourself to the bathroom, claiming upset stomach.

You order food (pizza? cookies? whatever) online, instructing them explicitly to deliver around the back, 4th window from the right, and wait in the bathroom. Delivery arrives, as per instructions!

You eat your personal pizza, Lululemons on, and take a moment to shout “Sorry, hun, just a minute!”

Flush the toilet, wash your hands, dab any grease off your face, and go back out to rejoin your Game of Thrones viewing, with husband none the wiser.

Voice-over: “Delivery company” fast delivery, the way you want it. Calories only count if someone’s counting.”

Pitch for Running Shoes
"The Reward is Always Worth it"

You’re up before dawn, to squeeze a workout in before your day begins. Lace up your kicks and head out the door. You’re tired, you’re slow, because you’re new to this. You aren’t the perfect runners you see past your window, but you want to be.

Your body is fighting you every step of the way, you’re checking your progress constantly, wondering how this could be taking so long. Only one mile? Still two more to go?

You’re nearing your driveway and see a yellow ribbon set up, and a cheering squad of your family beside it. Now you feel light, and you get a burst of speed, running like the people you always see. You run through the ribbon! You jump up and down, cheering for yourself and for your first place! You hug your family.

“ ‘brand name’ because the reward is always worth it.”

Dear Hiring Manager

After a 3 day working interview, and then NOT getting the job, I am left with some questions as to what I could have done differently. I've had a few thoughts as to what may have turned you off, and I'd like to run them past you, if it's not too much trouble.

Was it because I made you all friendship bracelets and then informed you that if you are to remove them before the knot wears out naturally, that something terrible will happen? I was sure to mention that it may not necessarily happen to you, but simply someone you know and care for. I thought that would soften the blow and was a little surprised that you were not more accepting of my gift.

Was it on the second day, when I stole all your shoes and continued to insist that the shoe stash in my bottom desk drawer was, in fact, mine? Yes, I alleged I wore a men's size 14, but it was only because I didn't want you to underestimate me. I, doubtless, should not have thrown the shoes at each of you after being accused of fibbing. However, nobody likes being called a liar, especially when caught in the middle of a lie. Don't act like you have never found yourself in the same position.

I admit, I should not have bit Susan, the secretary who's worked with you for 30 years. Bu Susan shouldn't have used my stapler! You'd think after 30 years she'd know a little bit about office etiquette.

And I definitely should not have bit you after you pried my jaws off of Susan's collar bone, but you should really know not to get in the middle of a biting match.

I concede, I should not have urinated in my cubicle. But I was concerned you were going to bite me back and I panicked just a little bit. We've all been there.

When you asked me to step into your office for "a word," I truly did believe that playing dead was my best course of action.  It was not an act of stubbornness or an inability to work as a team player, which I fear you may have inferred from the situation. It was just pure instinct. On my resume, I expressed that I can "adapt readily to any situation," and I think this should be viewed as an example of that quality.

Lastly, when you managed to carry my body into your office to give me my check for time worked, maybe I should not have sprung up, clapped my hands at you and then threw them above my head in an effort to appear larger than you. But, all due respect, you should not have behaved in such a hostile manner.

I appreciate that you are keeping my resume on file. For what it's worth, getting in a biting match, stealing shoes, and still finding time to make all those friendship bracelets, is an excellent example of my superb time-management skills and also demonstrates my ability to multi-task.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to speaking with you further about employment opportunities within your firm.

Your Girlfriend: A Guide

Your Girlfriend: A Manual

So, you've gotten yourself a girlfriend, eh? Pretty good model, too. An '81, exemplary year for girlfriends.
Unfortunately, your specific '81 has a few...shall we say, defects?
Nothing to worry about, I assure you, but allow me to give you this user's guide to reference as you move forward.

1) Don't Feed Your Girlfriend After Midnight.
No particular reason, rather than a slew of small ones. Plus, this is a good rule to follow, regarding anything that came from the 1980's.
     a. Your Girlfriend's blood sugar will spike just as you've fallen asleep, and she is likely to poke at you and ask inane questions.
     b. Depending upon the food, Your Girlfriend will become abhorrently gassyfragrant.
     c. If said food was at all fattening, no matter how fast Your Girlfriend gobbles it up, she is likely to be mad at you in the morning for having made it available.


2) Under No Circumstances is Your Girlfriend Allowed in a Holiday Inn Express or Affiliates.
Though, in all likely circumstances, you will never get past the lobby with her in tow.

Say Your Goodbyes.

Unfortunately, this particular model has some fire-starting tendencies. While details remain a little murky, suffice to say, there was pancake batter, a camp stove, and some wildly illogical thinking involved somewhere outside of Portland, Oregon; culminating in the loss of some draperies and a comforter, and some scorch marks on furniture.
Your Girlfriend will claim she did said Inn a favor by burning their "ugly furniture," but as of this printing The Holiday has not been swayed.


3)Whenever Possible, Open Doors for Your Girlfriend
Unless, of course, you want to eat your calzone to the tune of "Manners in This Country have Really Gone Down the Shitter."


4) Avoid Leaving Your Girlfriend Alone Near any Cooking Device
This relates back to Rule 2. Sadly, our '81 model has a real affinity for cooking fires.
Learn to love signs. A mere post-it stating something like, "Never try to fry food in our toaster! Never Ever!" will save you a lot of time and anguish...And toasters.


5) Don't Chase Your Girlfriend
She just hates it.


6) Never Speak to Your Girlfriend Before the "Caffeination Process" has Completed
This is really for your own protection.


7) Memorize These Rules and Learn to Love Them
They won't be changing any time soon. Indeed, the '81 model is particularly stubborn and prone to outbursts.


Congratulations, once again! You have really gotten yourself into something here! Remember, like anything else in life, nothing is guaranteed. While Your Girlfriend, '81 is one of our more finicky models, there remain a lot of incentives. This model is not for everyone, but for the right person she will provide love, affection, and even a laugh or two. She might even buy you a shirt and tie on occasion, or convince you to go on weekend trips you may have missed out on otherwise. Just don't take her to a Holiday Inn.